How does an affair start?

Men are pretty unconscious about what makes them attractive.

According to most women it is not their looks that make them

attractive, it is who they are and how they produce in the world. So

this married man goes to work and comes home and goes back to work

the next day. At work there is this woman. She is single,

attractive, smart, capable, speaks his language and someone who has

time to pay attention to him. It starts as an innocent flirtation.

What goes through his mind is something like “Let’s see if I still

have it!” so he starts flirting just to see what happens. Not a

surprise, she responds to the flirting by flirting back.

This is the beginning of the affair.

In his mind he is flattered, it is fun, and exciting and just a

little bit naughty. What could be more harmless? I’m married. I’m

safe. I can just have a little fun with this. So it continues. He

thinks he can just experiment a little. Let’s see how charming and

creative I can be. Let’s see if I can get this woman to fall for me.

In his mind it is not cheating. He hasn’t done anything wrong. In

the beginning, he even tells his wife about this woman. He tells her

about how smart she is or about some accomplishment, usually what

made him notice her in the first place. Wives usually miss the first

clues. The thought of the effect of his harmless flirtation on the

single woman does not even enter his consciousness. So the harmless

flirtation continues. It makes the married man feel good. He is

happier at home and everything seems hunky dory. He tells the woman

his wife doesn’t understand him, she doesn’t have time for him, or

she just is cruel to him and the other woman becomes his confidant

and starts to believe that he really has no choice in the matter. He

needs her because his wife is so … whatever.

He now has both a wife and family and a woman on the side.

Recognize that this process may take several years and several

different women before anything actually happens in the way of an

affair. After several years of living a separate life from his wife while they

live under the same roof, a married man is ready for a real affair. The

reality is that an affair will occur whether it is an emotional or physical affair

or even a cyber affair. No matter which way it goes, what occurs

takes away from the married relationship.

What is true about the woman who gets involved with a married man is

that she is looking for attention and affection.

Most likely she is not looking for a married man with whom she is

plotting to have an affair. There are a few predatory women out

there who do just that but the majority of affairs start out

naively. She is likely to have been previously hurt in a

relationship. She may or may not know that the man is married. What

occurs first is she recognizes that he is paying attention to her.

He may just listen to her. It may just be a momentary encounter

where their eyes meet and a connection is made. They may be working

together on a project and either of them may distinguish themselves

in some way. What initially happens is likely to be chemistry. What

happens after that varies, however, it usually follows this pattern.

When the woman discovers that he is married, she will make it clear

that she doesn’t have relationships with married men.

That is the signal for the man to go into conquest mode.

He will pursue her possibly for years because he enjoys the chase.

She will continue to refuse his advances as long as she can tolerate

it or until he catches her at a weak and vulnerable moment. If she

has a good relationship in her life, chances are she can outlast

him, but if she is single, available or married and unhappy, she

will eventually succumb. Why? Because the man is so charming, he is

wonderful, he is a knight in shining armor, he is a hero, he is this

wonderful dedicated family man who is wonderful with his children

and attentive to his wife. So the woman asks herself what is she

doing?

She continues to say no and the more she says no, the more

aggressive and charming and attentive he gets. This is the ultimate

male challenge, to win over a woman who is saying no even though he

knows she really is attracted to him.

A married man will work harder than any available man to make a

woman fall in love with him.

He will be more charming, loving, attentive and wonderful than a

woman can imagine that any man can be. So what happens next is this

woman who finally surrenders to her feelings for this man, asks him

to leave his wife for her. The response from him will almost

inevitably be one of two, but I’m married and I’ll never leave my

wife or yes, I’ll leave my wife, but not yet (she’s not ready, my

children are too young, I can’t afford it yet, my mother won’t

approve etc.) Initially the woman will respond with anger. “If you

love your wife what are you doing with me?” Here is the clincher

that finally hooks the woman, he is committed to his wife and the
woman buys into his honorable dedication to his wife and thinks if
only I could have a man who loves me like that.

It is at this point in their relationship that the woman’s final act

of settling may occur.

Either she will end it and go off to nurse her broken heart,

wondering how he could have been so wonderful and such a heel at the

same time, or she will continue the affair and settle for being the

other woman in his life. Either way the woman is damaged. The man

will go back to his wife who was either completely unaware of the

romantic drama or who also chooses to settle by living in denial of

his infidelity. Then life goes on.

The other woman plays a significant part in the perpetuation of this

man’s marriage.

She makes it tolerable for him to remain in an intolerable

situation. She makes it possible for him to remain in a marriage

that doesn’t satisfy him. That marriage situation can range from

boredom to outright contempt, but a man won’t leave his marriage

until his wife has dismissed him, either consciously or

unconsciously. She makes it possible for him to deny that there is

anything missing in his relationship with his wife. Therefore, the

wife wins, if you can call it winning to stay in a relationship with

a cheating man. What can you do?