Essence of an Affair

I was reading an article the other day and was distressed by a statement that 8 out of 10 marriages are affected by infidelity. This is a shocking statistic! What happens between the time the marriage vows are spoken and that first episode of cheating? It’s an assumption, of course, but I don’t think that 80% of the people who get married intend to cheat or be part of a love triangle.

I decided to tackle unearthing the real truth about how and why this happens. On one very popular web site there were 260 posts from both sexes commenting about forgiving and forgetting infidelities. I read every one of them. With one exception, the perception conveyed was that one party was an innocent victim of the other’s philandering. It seemed to me that everyone was looking at adultery as a cause of marital discord. From my perspective, there are only rare exceptions to the fact that adultery, cheating, or affairs are SYMPTOMS of long standing marital problems. The cause occurred possibly even before the marriage vows were uttered.

Let’s go back to the beginning of a relationship. What really happens before two people decide to get married? They have been dating and checking each other out. You all know that women do the choosing. Men respond to a woman’s signals and a relationship moves forward at a pace governed by the woman’s appetite. So how do a couple that are totally in love and committed to each other end up in the predicament dictated by an affair?

I think the predicament results from the expectations generated by marriage. In all of the posts that I read it seemed that “being married” automatically presupposed that fidelity is the most precious aspect of the marriage. It seemed like anything that could go wrong could be tolerated except infidelity. Not that I support tolerating infidelity. What I’m wondering is what are the reasons that people actually get married? Do they get married because they are in love? Want to have sex? Want exclusivity? Want emotional, financial or sexual security? Want to have children? It seems like the thing to do? Or do they get married because they have found someone with whom they are career compatible, financially balanced, sexually attracted, intellectually well-matched, culturally congenial, religiously aligned, a person with whom they want to procreate and raise children according to mutually agreeable standards? Do all people get married for the same reasons? I don’t think so.

I believe that some people get married for love, some for lust, some for status, some for money, some for security, some for convenience, some to have children, some looking for a parent substitute, some for business reasons etc. etc. and if that is true, why is it that everyone who gets married expects adherence to the same standards as far as fidelity is concerned? The romantic assumption is that everyone gets married because they are passionately in love and that fidelity is the highest value of marriage.

I don’t presume to have all the answers, but possibly some suggestions as to the seeds of infidelity. Let’s begin with a couple who declare that they are in love and want to commit to each other. They are starry eyed and the state of “in love” creates a certain blindness and denial especially when each of them seems to be their perfect match. So one of them lies about something or breaks a promise, or does something that totally violates the other’s ethics, but they are in love and he/she is so perfect otherwise. It’s just a small thing and certainly a little thing like that is tolerable. After all, they are getting married and that means they can work it out. Love conquers all.

Here is the problem. Love doesn’t solve anything. People come to agreement or negotiate boundaries and decide to be together because they want to be together. They choose marriage. I think the rules of marriage and the boundaries that each couple wants to live by must be negotiated. Obviously each and every scenario cannot be discussed ahead of time, but the individual standards of each partner in each marriage must be decided prior to the vows. When a woman/man settles (that includes compromises, tolerates, sells out) on a value that is significant to her/him, the bond is compromised. It makes it okay to do it again, whatever “it” is.

According to the Man/Woman Strategy that I subscribe to, women have the power in relationship and their job is to provide appetite, which challenges the man who loves her to produce results. The man who wants to please his woman will produce those results as long as she believes in him and respects him as the producer. The other component in this neat little package is the sex. Men will do anything for sex. Women love sex as much as men do, it’s just not socially acceptable for them to say so. Men get their pleasure from a woman’s pleasure and “most women lie to men about their satisfaction” which leads to a giant gap in the presumption that marriage defines passionate, romantic love and fidelity as the highest values.

A woman is unable to maintain the energy and self esteem necessary to always validate what sexually satisfies her. Thus the communication regarding sex gets distorted. Men, unless taught, cannot know what areas of a woman’s body are responsive to erotic touch. It’s different for everyone. So here’s what happens. Sex becomes mediocre. Women get pregnant. Pregnancy creates enormous changes in a woman’s body, which sometimes makes sex unappealing. Husbands and wives become parents. Parenting is a 24-hour job, which includes massive sleep deprivation, and challenges, which consume even the most prepared. Women stay home with the baby for a while which causes men to work more hours. Later, both men and women have jobs, which consume time and energy. So what does all of this mean? It means life gets in the way of relationship and unless some time and energy is devoted to the relationship as an entity, that state of “in love” that everyone marries into will disintegrate.

There are exceptions, but people, at the time of their marriage, do not intend to be unfaithful, nor do they seek out an affair. Here is how an affair begins. One or the other partner is not getting his/her needs met for whatever reasons. That person encounters someone at work, or at a party, or in the neighborhood, who notices him/her and sees something that attracts. There is nothing like a flirtation to restore a sense of self-esteem. Initially, the married person resists but enjoys the attention. The spouse that’s out then goes home to the other spouse and hints that he/she needs more attention. The spouse at home makes two assumptions: 1) they are married so there is nothing to worry about and 2) there will be plenty of time to take care of their spouse’s needs later. Because that spouse is involved in the drama of daily life, the hint is ignored. That, my friends, is the beginning of the affair. When one partner seeks intimate emotional or physical or intellectual support from someone of the opposite sex outside of the marriage, the seed has been sown.

It seems that marriage is frequently taken for granted. The almighty wedding ring is supposed to be able to bind people to their vows automatically. This, I believe, is the false presumption that leads us to the incorrigible statistic that 80% of marriages are affected by infidelity. Marriage doesn’t work by itself. It takes two people who pay attention to each other’s needs. It takes two people who believe in each other and validate each other. It takes two people who want to love each other and who continually approve of each other which allows the vulnerability necessary to be honest about their personal needs.

What should be done about reversing this destructive trend?

Addressing these issues during pre-marital coaching would be best. Determine if the person you are marrying meets your standards and validate that you are not just settling because he/she is almost what you want and you might not find anyone better.

If you are married or in a committed relationship, pay attention to your relationship, listen to your intuition, when you notice that something is out of synch, get some coaching and stop the affair before it happens. There are no innocent victims when infidelity occurs. All three parties play a part in the development of an affair.

Although preventative action would be preferable, a marriage can be saved with couple coaching after an affair. Some people require the trauma in order to wake up and realize they are in jeopardy. I have guided exercises designed to clear up misconceptions, release anger and restore compassion and love if both partners are willing to participate fully.