Essence of Awakenness

Be conscious, aware, alert. Pay attention. Remember when you were in elementary school and the teacher used to say pay attention now, this is important? Well, this is important. Wake up! What does it take to wake up an adult? Many people go through life on automatic, doing life as it comes along. What kind of things occur that are considered a wake up call? The death of a loved one, a miracle, a near death experience, the birth of a child, a divorce, a marriage, a spiritual experience, a great accomplishment, a serious illness, an award, losing a job, winning the lottery, which of these would wake you up?

It seems like a joke to think of people living their lives asleep, but is it? How many of you miss out on a good part of your own life because you are not present. What does that mean? Present is a word that is highly overused and has become a buzz word for enlightenment junkies. So let’s look at what it really means. When am I present?
When I am fully in my body at full attention to what I am doing at that very moment. Noting of course, that moment to moment my presence changes depending on who is coming and going in my life. I had a spiritual teacher once who used to tell me to practice staying present while I was driving the car. I don’t know about you but my mind goes elsewhere the minute I get that seatbelt hooked and turn the ignition key. You know that commercial where the guy is testing the cell phone and keeps saying “Can you hear me now?” That to me is a great example of being present. It’s like constantly saying to myself “Am I here now?”

Moment to moment presence is very difficult to achieve. Often we are seconds behind or ahead of ourselves. Seconds, however are still past and future. In a conversation, are you thinking about your response? If you are, you’re in the future. Are you thinking about what you forgot to say or your tone of voice when you responded to the last statement? If you are, you’re in the past. So what does it take to be present? I think it takes giving up thinking about being anything. I think it means being.

That sounds very mysterious, but in the realm of living, what does it mean? I have coached many people in crisis to deal with their situation by being present. The only time one has to be in fear is if your life is in danger from something specific. Most fear and anxiety exists primarily in our brains. When someone dies, we immediately go to what will life be like without this person. Is that present? Not at all. Present in that situation is I am here breathing and seeing and hearing and experiencing grief. I am not in danger. I am not threatened. I am healthy and well and in my body. Yes, I may miss this person, even now, but most of the anxiety comes from the projections about what will life be like in the future or remembering all the great times of the past.

I once climbed a 60 ft high telephone pole and jumped off of it to a trapeze and I am very afraid of heights. How did I do it? I knew that I could step from one piton to another, it was only looking up or down that would cause me fear. So I reminded myself each step of the way that I was only stepping up one step at a time and I only paid attention to the part of the pole that I could see in front of me. What happened? I climbed to the top one step at a time and when I got near the top I let go of the pole and walked up those pitons like I was walking up a short flight of stairs. It was a physical experience of staying present which has stayed with me for many years.

So what about awakeness in terms of relationship? Are things happening in your relationship that you ignore? Do you get intuitive flashes that your partner is putting his/her attention elsewhere? Do you ignore slights or subtle insinuations? Are you assuming that everything is okay because you don’t fight, argue, or disagree? Perhaps you don’t communicate enough to create dissension. Does your partner really hear what you are saying and is what you are saying what you really mean? Are you the husband who tunes out his wife’s nagging? And is she nagging because you don’t really listen to what she says in the first place? Are you the whiney wife who wants attention and complains about what a joke it is to have your husband get anything done?

Relationships are an entity unto themselves. Ideally wives and husbands listen to each other exclusive of outside interference. A time to decompress and unwind after work is optimal. What a fantasy it would be to have a little decompression chamber that you step into as you leave your work and it stores and detoxifies all of your work stress until you return the next day, leaving each of you free to be yourself with your partner.

What does it take to be awake and in relationship? A good start would be a real understanding of each other’s personality, knowledge of each other’s stress strategy, love strategy, and relationship strategy. The primary thing necessary to be awake in your relationship is a solid sense that no matter what, this person that you are in relationship with is ALWAYS on your side. Does that mean you can never disagree? Not at all. It does however, mean that you believe in that person and he/she believes in you. That you have an awakeness about each other that doesn’t allow you to buy into each other’s stories. That you can agree to disagree and still love each other. That your relationship is free of hidden agenda, secrets, and mistrust. There is a basic commitment to support each other and be honest and that you tell each other the truth even if you are the one who will be vulnerable in this particular situation. It is the ability to be wrong in this person’s eyes and still be right by virtue of being wrong and admitting to it.

I like to think that I am one of those human beings who has made the choices necessary to stay present in my own life. I wasn’t always that way, but through a series of courses, enlightening experiences and tragic circumstances, I have managed to shake myself into a heightened state of awakeness a good part of the time. Presence is a mantra. I preach it. I live it. I honor it as the most useful tool in a crisis. Presence is awakeness. Embrace it. It will give you life.