Who Are You?

“I help women become who they need to be in order to attract who and what they want”

Susan Sheppard Life Coach and Relationship Expert. 

You Do Not Attract What You Want—You Attract Who You Are

We’ve all heard some version of it: “Just focus on what you want and it will come.”
But life—and especially love—rarely works that way.

A more accurate truth is this: You do not attract what you want—you attract who you are.

This idea can feel confronting at first. After all, most people genuinely want healthy relationships, financial stability, respect, and success. Yet wanting something and embodying the version of yourself that naturally aligns with it are two very different things.

The patterns in your life are often mirrors. They reflect your beliefs, standards, emotional health, and self-perception far more than your wishes.

Let’s explore what that really means—with stories and examples.

She Wanted Commitment but Expected Abandonment

Maria desperately wanted marriage. She talked about it constantly. She dated intentionally. She read books about communication and long-term partnership.

Yet every man she became serious about was emotionally unavailable.

One avoided defining the relationship.
Another was “still healing” from his ex.
Another traveled constantly and resisted exclusivity.

Maria would say, “Why do I always attract men who won’t commit?”

Her reality revealed early childhood exposure to parents who were loving but extremely busy and preoccupied with their own ideas rarely spending quality time with her. This became her accepted normal. Her other than conscious behavior caused unavailable people to be attracted to her . Their unavailableness was within her comfort zone. It seemed natural to her and felt emotionally familiar. Her nervous system was calibrated to inconsistency.

She didn’t attract what she wanted (commitment).
She attracted what she was emotionally aligned with (instability).

 

When Maria expanded her perception by healing abandonment wounds, strengthening boundaries, raising her standards—her dating choices changed. She stopped accepting behavior that ignored her desires and vague men. She walked away earlier. She no longer confused chemistry with compatibility. As her self esteem improved, higher quality friends and loves began to appear in her life. She became who she needed to be. 

Her external results changed when her internal identity changed.

The Pattern of Low Standards

Sometimes this principle shows up in smaller, everyday ways.

Consider someone who says:

• “I want a respectful partner.”
• “I want honesty.”
• “I want someone who values me.”

But they repeatedly tolerate late-night texts, canceled plans, dismissive comments, or inconsistent behavior.

Their stated desire is respect.
Their practiced standard is tolerance of disrespect.

People respond to what you accept, not what you say you want.

If you are someone who overlooks red flags because you fear losing connection, you will attract those who benefit from loose boundaries. Not because you deserve it—but because you permit it.

When you become someone who calmly walks away from misalignment, those who behave in such a manner will not be attracted to you. 

The Identity Shift

At the core of this principle is identity.

If you identify as:

• Unlucky in love
• Bad with money
• Always overlooked
• The one who gives more

You will unconsciously behave in ways that reinforce that identity.

Breaking the cycle requires becoming someone new internally before you see new results externally. Be very cautious of how you speak to and about yourself. Your other than conscious mind accepts the words you say as the words you mean. 

This does not mean pretending. It means evolving.

The Story of Two Sisters

Two sisters grew up in the same household with the same instability.

One sister internalized, “Love is unreliable.” She grew hyper-independent and avoided vulnerability. She attracted partners who were content with emotional distance.

The other sister internalized, “I must hold everything together.” She over-functioned in relationships and attracted partners who underperformed.

Same upbringing. Different identities. Different patterns.

Neither attracted what they consciously wanted (secure partnership).
They attracted who they had become in response to their past.

The lessons they needed to learn were different—one required vulnerability while the other  sought boundaries—causing their relationships to shift  dramatically.

Becoming who you need to be!

So how you become the version of yourself that attracts what you desire?

Heighten Your Self-Awareness

Notice recurring patterns that you have adopted without blaming others

• What role do I consistently play?
• What behavior do I tolerate?
• What defines my comfort zone?

Patterns are clues.

Heal Emotional Trauma

Unhealed trauma is a magnet for repetition. Healing changes your attraction blueprint.

Raise The Bar for Relationship

Standards are not demands placed on others. They are behaviors you will not Tolerate

Cherish Yourself 

If you want respect, honor yourself.
If you want integrity, communicate directly.
If you want love, Love yourself first.

Responsibility Is Empowering

This concept is not about blame. It is about power.

You cannot control who shows up.
You can control who you are when they do.

And that changes everything

You do not attract what you want—you attract who you are.

If you want a different outcome in love, career, or life, the most effective question is not:

“Why me?”

It is:

“Who am I being that makes this dynamic possible?”

When you elevate your self-worth, heal your wounds, clarify your standards, and act in alignment with your highest values, your environment responds.

Not magically.
But inevitably.

Because when you change who you are, you change what you accept, what you pursue, and what feels comfortable.  Also you will have raised your personal bar allowing  only those who embody your standards to be drawn to you. . 

You will have altered your existence and who is in your life.