Boundaries Do they Help?

Women and Boundaries

Women, who are we and what do we really want?

In earlier generations women were not the powerful, independent, “I can do anything!” wonder women that they are today.

When I wanted to take mechanical drawing in high school in the 50’s, it had to be approved by the school board before I could enroll. Would you believe that they said no because the all male school board determined that the only reason for my wanting to take that class was to be around the boys more.

So things have changed in the past 70 years, but not that much.  Oh sure, women can pretty much pursue any career they want, but what is really different?

Women still do the majority of child care, housework, decorating, shopping and cooking.  Men can do those things but for the most part it’s not part of their daily routine.  Women now have jobs outside the home and do all the work at home too.  This is their own doing.

So what am I saying?

It’s this.  Women are their own worst enemy.  We say we want equality, but what does that mean?  Equal pay for equal work?  Shared child care? Divided housework and cooking?

No! Most women want things done to their standards without having to tell a man what that standard is.  Women want men to read their minds.  They want a man to know when to send flowers and what kind to send.  They want a man to understand their moods without having to tell them what they are.   They want it to be acknowledged  that  “anything you can do, I can do just as good!” but they really don’t want to do those things, like fix the car, take out the trash, pound nails, etc.

Women are complicated creatures who want a lot of things but for the most part aren’t willing to ask for them.

How many of you give up yourself for your relationships?

Let me clarify.  Do you pass up engagements with your friends waiting for a possible date with the one you love?  Do you eliminate contact with your friends and family because all of your time is taken up with your new love?  Do you cancel plans with your friends because the one you love asks you to do something at the last minute? Do you agree to things you don’t want to do because you can’t say no?

Consider this.

A relationship involving sacred intimacy need not be limited to a romantic relationship.  Look at this example:

A client of mine, lamented that her sister was coming to visit for two weeks.  When I asked her why that upset her.  She said “I can’t afford it.”

In explaining that statement, she said, my sister comes to visit and wants to go expensive places and wants me to take her everywhere but she doesn’t bring any money and I end up in debt for months after she leaves.

Exploring the facts behind all of this, I discovered that her 33 year old sister was unemployed and expected V to support her and entertain her for two weeks. The problem exists primarily in V.  Although her sister exhibits self-centered behavior, it is V’s lack of boundaries that really intensify the problem.

We worked out a strategy for V to set some parameters with her sister.

1. Tell her sister how happy she would be to see her and spend time with her.
2. Set some boundaries for the visit.
3. The sister must pay her own expenses and entertainment while she is visiting.
4. V requires 8 hours sleep on work nights so partying is limited on those nights. .
5. The sister can use V’s car with these two conditions:
   V must get to work and back.
   The sister must pay for her own gas

If these conditions aren’t agreed upon, the sister must rent her own car.

V said that she thought that these parameters would make her sister’s visit something to anticipate rather than dread.

Just to follow up.

V did have those difficult conversations with her sister. The resulting visit was much less stressful for V.  Her sister spent the weekdays with a cousin of theirs thus not interfering with V’s work life.  The weekends, they explored the city and participated in some inexpensive entertainment including a private party, the beaches and some dinners.  They did share expenses and the visit was a success at least from V’s point of view.  V told me that her fear in anticipation of the conversations was considerably worse than the actual talk.  She said that her sister had been unaware that the previous visits had created a hardship for V in the past.

Why is it so difficult to tell the people that you love what your personal limits are?

Are you afraid that you will hurt their feelings?

If you do not take care of yourself and set your boundaries, you are enabling those people to take advantage of you and then you resent them afterwards.

You are accountable for what happens in your life.

Learn to set boundaries.

Learn to clarify what you want.

Learn to ask for what you want.

Being vulnerable with those you love, sharing everything, from your slightest to your deepest fears is symbolic of trust. If you fear sharing these things because you think they might be used as ammunition, you are not in a sacred intimacy relationship.